If Stephen Colbert is this bothered by Superman's missing briefs, he'd better not read any issues of DC Comics from the past couple of years.
The host of Comedy Central's The Colbert Report opened last night's show with a three-minute rant on the upcoming Zack Snyder movie Man of Steel, focusing on the decision to alter Superman's costume design and remove his traditional red briefs. On the subject of the film, Colbert remarked, "I have not seen it...and I do not like what I have not seen."
"Folks," began Colbert, "I have been warning you about the Man of Steel for two years now, about the way its liberal indoctrination about hope and change and the scandal that the guy playing Superman is English. Excuse me, English? Superman is an American from Krypton. Read your Constitution! Even worse, folks, this Henry Cavill guy looks almost exactly like the guy they cast to play Clark Kent. It's going to confuse the audience. Think!
"And today, today, I saw something that really crossed the line. And by that, I mean the visible panty line. Superman is not wearing his traditional red underwear! This is disgusting! You can clearly see the outline of his -- shall we say -- Fortress of Solitude. Come on! I gotta tell you, folks, if you look closely, it doesn't even look like he's wearing underwear inside his tights. Which could be trouble, because as you know, our Earth talc has no affect on him.
"I mean, look at this guy," Colbert continued, showing Cavill in his Superman costume, "it's just blue, blue, blue, head to toe. It's like wearing a denim jacket with denim jeans, which everyone knows got Aquaman kicked out of the Justice League. The red underwear, folks, is a crucial part of Superman's costume. Every Superman has worn them, starting with (Adventures of Superman star) George Reeves and his belted granny panties. That's how we were in the Eisenhower administration. It was before elastic was invented."
Calling Superman the "Commando of Steel," Colbert then showed a brief interview clip of Man of Steel screenwriter David S. Goyer saying "Our approach was not a comic book Superman. It was just to do a more realistic Superman."
"That's right," scoffed Colbert, "a more realistic Superman. Because when your hero is a flying man from another planet who can crush coal into diamonds and melt titanium with his heat vision, you don't want to do something unbelievable like underwear. I mean, Great Caesar's Ghost!"
If you'd like to see the full show opening, you can view it HERE on Colbert Nation.